The best things in life don’t come easy.
Sometime in February 2016, UPSC declared that I had failed in the Civil Services Examination. That was my fourth attempt and third failure. The result didn’t seem as bad then, convinced as I was of my own supreme ability and UPSC’s blatant bias. My inner voice immediately went about searching for excuses. “I must have flunked the language paper. Or some clerical mistake? Surely I must have been wronged!”
I eagerly looked forward to my marksheet, mostly to confirm my own prejudice. When the marksheet finally arrived, the scores read as follows, starting with marks in Essay: 100,74,66,91,68,75,91. A grand total of 565, way behind the cutoff. If there were an individual cut off for each paper, I would have probably failed in all of them.
Thus at the end of four gruelling attempts and five years of toil, there I was. I get my worst result in the year I had worked the most. In that moment, the marks didn’t seem so bad— I knew I had failed that year anyway. What difference does a marksheet make?
But like a potent poison slowly making its way to my head, it was only in the hours and days later, I could truly grasp the scale of my defeat. I didn’t just miss the cut, I was nowhere near the competition. My failure was undeniable and total, and it shook me to the core.
Most of us begin our Civils preparation treating it only as an exam. But slowly and surely, as we face hurdles and endure suffering, the exam takes center stage and getting through it becomes our only objective. So when we are defeated in this exam, we almost feel defeated at life. And so it was with me.
The failure crept inward into other aspects of my being. It eroded my drive, confidence and morale. Both professionally and personally, I turned indifferent and underconfident. My day to day life became lethargic, timid and was one of mere existence— I was a walking dead man. And within no time, I unconsciously fell into the most crushing of traps: I was convinced that I am not good enough.
This is the sinking feeling every failed aspirant goes through. No one comes into the preparation thinking of giving this exam twice. That is why for many of us, the first failure comes across as shocking, the second humbling and the third absolutely devastating. I was indeed devastated.
At that point in 2016, for me to give another attempt was to risk another failure, and I couldn’t afford it. I wanted to save whatever little confidence that was left in me. I simply didn’t have the courage to carry on, and I knew I had hit a dead end. Within days, I decided to quit. I packed my papers, bundled my books, cleaned my shelves and dumped them in an obscure corner just so that I don’t even accidentally catch the sight of them— for they represented symbols of my inadequacy and collapse.
From that abyss, it took me a couple of months to recover. I realised that life was slowly drifting away, and I didn’t want to standby as a mere spectator. I focussed on work, learnt taxation laws, pursued my interests diligently and took up meditation as a hobby. In meditation, you train your mind to see things clearly. And I did begin to see things clearly.
I realised that I was so absorbed in this relentless exam cycle that I didn’t recognise my own hubris. For all my failures, I kept blaming UPSC, the examiner, my optional, my pen, the clerk entering the marks on the system— everything and everyone apart from me.
Blaming UPSC or someone else only gave me a false sense of satisfaction, made me feel good about myself, but did not in anyway help my cause. So instead of wallowing in self-pity and victimhood, I decided to own up to my failures and accepted that I failed because I didn’t deserve. Once I had accepted this, the inner voice that was so adamantly justifying my failings simply faded away.
The break helped me see that my failure was not that I couldn’t clear in previous attempts, but that I had learnt nothing from it. Year after year I kept repeating the same mistakes. I toiled hard, but hardly made any progress: I was running on a ground that was fast shifting beneath me.
*****
In December 2016, eight months after my debacle, I sat down to think hard and think deep to understand why I failed. It was not an exercise to avenge my defeat, I just wanted to know why.
Prelims couldn’t have been a problem— I always got a good score. Personality test was ruled out too: in the only interview I had given, I got 204. The conclusion was inevitable— I sucked at Mains. It stood like an impenetrable wall against which I had been hitting my head all these years. So I drilled deeper to diagnose my problem.
I downloaded toppers’ answer booklets and invested endless hours going through them. After a while, one thing became evident: Their answers weren’t in any way extraordinary (If you see my answers now, you’d realise the same). I zeroed in on the fact that it wasn’t because of lack of knowledge, and that my failings lay elsewhere.
My optional scores were a big problem too. I’ve always felt my optional Public Administration was treated unfairly. But this time I faulted no one, and I had to do something about it.
In Jan 2017, I decided to take up Anthropology. It was a bold decision: I hardly had 9 months to prepare an entirely new subject. On the other hand, I loved Anthro and it ignited my spirits and breathed intellectual fire into my otherwise dull preparation cycle.
Against that thick, impenetrable wall in front of me, now I had a small chisel. The challenge was daunting, but I kept reminding myself a quote from the film Shawshank Redemption: “Time and pressure. That’s all it really takes.”
I’ve always believed that Sports represent a microcosm of our lives and I’ve taken inspiration from many athletes. Roger Federer’s resurgence in 2017 couldn’t have come at a better time. I kept telling myself: After being written off by everyone, if he could come back and win it at 36, why can’t I?
*****
In July 2017, I enrolled at the ForumIAS academy for GS and Essay mains test series (online mode) and wrote my first test on 26-08-2017. I timed the clock, took the test from my home and wrote all answers at my usual writing speed. In a paper I took 3 hr 42 minutes to finish, I scored 87. The problem was clear as daylight.
I didn’t lose heart but worked to improve. The next test took me 3 hr 20 min; and finally by the end of 4th test, I could finish my papers within 3 hours.
The comments and assessment on my test series papers were incredibly helpful. I worked on their feedback to improve my answer content and presentation. Also, during this time I came across answer booklets of Prajit Nair (AIR-87, CSE 2016) and they were absolute gold. I adapted my writing style based on his answers. Points over paragraphs, simplicity over sophistication. Overtime, I’ve learnt to put dense, quality content in fewer words and tighter sentences.
All through this rigorous exercise, my aim was not to clear the exam with a top rank (it never really occurred to me), but to prove a point to myself that I am not a loser at this exam. The battle was intensely personal.
And so I practised and practised hard. On workdays I used to take out at least 3 hrs for preparation, and on weekends I slogged by the sweat of my brow.
Just before my Mains exam in Oct 2017, securing a top rank was never on mind. The immediate, burning goal in front of me was only this: in those 3 hours, for those 20 questions, I’ll answer and answer them well.
Which I did. When I walked out of that examination hall on Nov 3, 2017, I knew I gave my best shot.
*****
When the final results were declared on April 27, 2018, the immediate feeling I had was one of overwhelming disbelief. No one expects to top the exam, especially after failing so many times.
It’s only after sometime that the gravity of the accomplishment finally sinks in. And when it did finally sink in for me, I was slowly overtaken by a feeling that was much more precious. The emotion wasn’t one of ecstasy, but one of contentment. It was a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction that I had won this personal battle.
After my results, when I went back to my hometown, I had people who came up to me, pulled me close, cupped my face in their hands and told me that they are so overwhelmed with joy as if their own son has topped this exam. The happiness I sensed seeing their faces is much much more than what I had felt on the day of my results. And in that moment I told myself this: all the effort, all the pain and all the suffering was well worth it.
Today, at the end of my UPSC journey, I stand with a firm newfound belief: when you own your failures, you become a better person. And when you work hard to overcome them, you win. And win big.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
Indeed..it was very helpful in understanding how to tackle failure and get back refreshed.
Thank you so much….
Realy very motivated??thank u
Sir,
Thank you for sharing your insights on perseverance regarding this exam in particular and life in general.
Can you please share how did you Meditate ?
sir plz do give us tips to make our writing impressive, expressive and lucid .
Sir I am really very very motivated from you and I will
be trying follow your every guideline in preparation of UPSC exam but I am Hindi midium student startly.so please sir guide me through your website.Thanks sir
I am really sorry I have no knowledge regarding sources and guidance for UPSC in Hindi medium.
I am an diploma student. I am poor at history. I want to become ias.Now I want to study b.tech. is it necessary to concentrate on ias or academics?
ANUDEEP Bhaiya app ki Hindi bhut hi acchi hay?
hlo sir how should i start my preparation sir i have some doubts can u clarify it sir 1) how should i start my preparation like should i start by reading ncerts and daily current affairs or should i start current affairs after finishing my base ncerts but at any cost i want to crack this exam in2020 just say me best daily routine how to start my preparation
Sir u writing ignites my spirit . My problem is i know lot many words but i fail to use it in my writing. Plz give some tips for it.
Anudeep sir… Whenever I feel low during my preparation, i just go through your blogs and it keep me to go on. I really really wish, someday i will stand aside of you and cry out loud (of happiness) that you are “the one”. My inspiration.
Sir, please guide me how can I improve my English .. writing or speaking skills.. for UPSC
One way increased mine is by trying to speak English with my parents and sisters. It doesn’t matter how bad you speak, first at least start and also reading English newspaper (the Hindu), and while going through it, checking out the words in dictionary which I didn’t understand and noting them down day by day so as to revise at end of day helped me much to my surprise. NOW I BELIEVE IN THIS METHOD…!
sir coaching kosam delhi velladam compolsury aa
if there is any way other than that please suggest me because i’m totally confused
thank you
Thank you sooooo much sir…for this great blog….. this will help me in my preparation….. especially GS part and current affairs…. explained very well….. thank you soooooo much sir……
Ur my inspiration sir. Chala chala thanks sir for the efforts u have taken to help us in our preparation. Sir naaku koni doubts undhi pls do reply sir so I could clarify it with you.
Sir will you release new editions of your book”Fundamentals of essay and answer writing” in the upcoming years? Want to buy as I’m preparing for upsc 2022…And please inform whether you are going to release hard copy as well sir..?
Sir, Did you took Edu rev infinity plan?
afeias.com is a good one!
Thank you so much for coming forward to help ppl with you tips and guidance.
Really inspired by you! Hope one day I will be working with you. Cheers ! Looking forward for your further updates.
What an inspiring journey !!!
Sir, yours is an extraordinary story – one that has fuelled me with inspiration. The inner turmoil you went through & your subsequent satisfaction post results, was palpable through the words you’ve penned so meticulously!
We have something in common, our unflinching love & utmost reverence for Roger Federer (and Barcelona!!!). I hope that soon enough I can have another thing in common with you – a rank in CSE. Thank you for sharing your story. It’ll help so many aspirants out there who are battling their own demons everyday.
And a huge huge congratulations once again! It’s an incredible achievement!!
Looking forward to your blog – you write so well 🙂
Thank you for your kind words.
Federer forever 🙂
Completely in an agreement with you regarding IAS Anudeep ..
..Great man
..Great going
..Keep writing
..Keep inspiring
..We are following
..Best Wishes for your endeavors
Respected Sir,
I read your blog it’s really inspiring that how you actually faced all the challenges, sir I have determined to be good “IAS OFFICER” and wants to make my parents proud on me and so i really needed your guidance. Can you please bring a detailed video (covering all aspects of the exam) on how one should indeed prepare for the exam. Please Sir, a humble request.
Thank you
You are an inspiration to the youth. India needs such inspiration.?
You proved that , Failure is the pillar of success . You’re such an inspiration . Your words really touched within.
Thank you!
sir plzz hindi medium ke kuch resources book ke baare baateye
thank you anudeep for this wonderful piece. 🙂
Its very nice .
Congrats Sir.. N thank u so much for sharing this incredible failure which turn into a Great Success…
Congrats sir..nyc..
You are an Arsenal fan ,no wonder how you stood up in your most difficult situation ?
Haha, we are used to facing failures. Being an Arsenal fan makes you tough 🙂
Sir how should we start for csat .I m very weak in mathematics
First of all , a very big congratulation to you on your great success …………….then thankyou so much for this blog ,it will be really a good start for all the IAS aspirants
Inspired and motivated..thnk you sir!!
Thank you Sir
It was so motivating.
Mr. Durishetty, you write so well. I can almost imagine this being read aloud to me, it’s deeply personal and comforting. May you continue to weave magic with your words!
You’ve been so humble in your defeat and gracious in your victory. A mark of an extraordinary gentleman. God speed.
A well wisher from Bhoal
Thank you so much for your kind words.
Hats off sir… What an incredible journey… It gave me lots of motivation and m thankful to you sir that u have come forward to help aspirants by sharing your experience… This will definitely give us great boost to crack this exam….
Loved the Federer’s resurgence part and Stan Wawrinka’s quote in the end!
Madrid for life though lol.
An evocative write up worth motivating,Sir.So delighted to see the fleeting reference of Shawshank Redemption in this article.(It really did put me in awe as I was expecting a line on ‘Poor but spirited in Karimnagar’,the ofted book in your interview articles.This Morgan Freeman movie teaches a commendable fact that hope is not at all a bad thing and your victory saga exemplifies this.Keep writing and stirring,spirited souls.Best wishes and Regards,Sir.
Sure will write more. Thank you!
congratulations sir, u are a real inspiration for me, the way you wrote your story came as if i was reading one of lee child’s thriller nothing to lose and you are jack reacher, i am really very much inspired by you sir, a hearty congratulations once again!!
Thank you!
Anu, such a beautiful journey it was, from rejection to acceptance and from self battle to a country’s success !! Your inner self is kept out to us through this post, thank you so much for this inspiring write-up. Your journey is eternal and your success is an example for persuing any dream. While I was reading, it ignited my self and gave a boost to achieve my goals. Thank you for everything. All the best for another exciting and challenging phase of your life. Keep smiling ?
Thanks akka 🙂
You are truly an inspiration for me.. your whole journey gives each and everyone encouragement who are going through the same phase of life .. “From rejection to acceptance” this line itself depicts the pains you have taken for becoming an IAS officer.. well done.. ??
Congratulations bro .Great job. A blog for Ias aspirants.
Very inspiring…sir..
Very inspiring….
kk
Thanks a lot Sir!
You are ‘The Inspiration’.
And, Indeed… the battle is intensely personal.
Such a beautiful piece of writing sir. Well deserved to be topper in one of the toughest exam of world.
Thank you!
Champ you are really amazing, inspiring, motivating……..
Great!@nudeep!
Can u suggest how to improve on writing speed? When I start writing something ,I take too much time to think in order to come up with something different so that my answer will hv a nice start…and in that way I waste a lot of time !
How to overcome this tendency n improve the writing speed??
I hope you will help :/…??
This is the exact problem I faced too. The only way you overcome is to put a timer and practice writing consistently. First see how many words you are able to write in a minute and then keep improving. You can sacrifice your neatness a little to write faster.
Regarding thinking, you should take a proper test series and write atleast 10-15 tests before Mains. Once you do those many questions, your brain is automatically wired to think faster even as you write.
Many thanks to you!will do the same!
Thanks a lot for sharing your experience and your journey sir.
Namaskaram sir?.
Meeru ilage motivate chestu and maku guidance isthuntarani korukuntunnanu. Mee follower(PRASHANTH) who even don’t know about ‘abcd’ of upsc exam.