The best things in life don’t come easy.
Sometime in February 2016, UPSC declared that I had failed in the Civil Services Examination. That was my fourth attempt and third failure. The result didn’t seem as bad then, convinced as I was of my own supreme ability and UPSC’s blatant bias. My inner voice immediately went about searching for excuses. “I must have flunked the language paper. Or some clerical mistake? Surely I must have been wronged!”
I eagerly looked forward to my marksheet, mostly to confirm my own prejudice. When the marksheet finally arrived, the scores read as follows, starting with marks in Essay: 100,74,66,91,68,75,91. A grand total of 565, way behind the cutoff. If there were an individual cut off for each paper, I would have probably failed in all of them.
Thus at the end of four gruelling attempts and five years of toil, there I was. I get my worst result in the year I had worked the most. In that moment, the marks didn’t seem so bad— I knew I had failed that year anyway. What difference does a marksheet make?
But like a potent poison slowly making its way to my head, it was only in the hours and days later, I could truly grasp the scale of my defeat. I didn’t just miss the cut, I was nowhere near the competition. My failure was undeniable and total, and it shook me to the core.
Most of us begin our Civils preparation treating it only as an exam. But slowly and surely, as we face hurdles and endure suffering, the exam takes center stage and getting through it becomes our only objective. So when we are defeated in this exam, we almost feel defeated at life. And so it was with me.
The failure crept inward into other aspects of my being. It eroded my drive, confidence and morale. Both professionally and personally, I turned indifferent and underconfident. My day to day life became lethargic, timid and was one of mere existence— I was a walking dead man. And within no time, I unconsciously fell into the most crushing of traps: I was convinced that I am not good enough.
This is the sinking feeling every failed aspirant goes through. No one comes into the preparation thinking of giving this exam twice. That is why for many of us, the first failure comes across as shocking, the second humbling and the third absolutely devastating. I was indeed devastated.
At that point in 2016, for me to give another attempt was to risk another failure, and I couldn’t afford it. I wanted to save whatever little confidence that was left in me. I simply didn’t have the courage to carry on, and I knew I had hit a dead end. Within days, I decided to quit. I packed my papers, bundled my books, cleaned my shelves and dumped them in an obscure corner just so that I don’t even accidentally catch the sight of them— for they represented symbols of my inadequacy and collapse.
From that abyss, it took me a couple of months to recover. I realised that life was slowly drifting away, and I didn’t want to standby as a mere spectator. I focussed on work, learnt taxation laws, pursued my interests diligently and took up meditation as a hobby. In meditation, you train your mind to see things clearly. And I did begin to see things clearly.
I realised that I was so absorbed in this relentless exam cycle that I didn’t recognise my own hubris. For all my failures, I kept blaming UPSC, the examiner, my optional, my pen, the clerk entering the marks on the system— everything and everyone apart from me.
Blaming UPSC or someone else only gave me a false sense of satisfaction, made me feel good about myself, but did not in anyway help my cause. So instead of wallowing in self-pity and victimhood, I decided to own up to my failures and accepted that I failed because I didn’t deserve. Once I had accepted this, the inner voice that was so adamantly justifying my failings simply faded away.
The break helped me see that my failure was not that I couldn’t clear in previous attempts, but that I had learnt nothing from it. Year after year I kept repeating the same mistakes. I toiled hard, but hardly made any progress: I was running on a ground that was fast shifting beneath me.
*****
In December 2016, eight months after my debacle, I sat down to think hard and think deep to understand why I failed. It was not an exercise to avenge my defeat, I just wanted to know why.
Prelims couldn’t have been a problem— I always got a good score. Personality test was ruled out too: in the only interview I had given, I got 204. The conclusion was inevitable— I sucked at Mains. It stood like an impenetrable wall against which I had been hitting my head all these years. So I drilled deeper to diagnose my problem.
I downloaded toppers’ answer booklets and invested endless hours going through them. After a while, one thing became evident: Their answers weren’t in any way extraordinary (If you see my answers now, you’d realise the same). I zeroed in on the fact that it wasn’t because of lack of knowledge, and that my failings lay elsewhere.
My optional scores were a big problem too. I’ve always felt my optional Public Administration was treated unfairly. But this time I faulted no one, and I had to do something about it.
In Jan 2017, I decided to take up Anthropology. It was a bold decision: I hardly had 9 months to prepare an entirely new subject. On the other hand, I loved Anthro and it ignited my spirits and breathed intellectual fire into my otherwise dull preparation cycle.
Against that thick, impenetrable wall in front of me, now I had a small chisel. The challenge was daunting, but I kept reminding myself a quote from the film Shawshank Redemption: “Time and pressure. That’s all it really takes.”
I’ve always believed that Sports represent a microcosm of our lives and I’ve taken inspiration from many athletes. Roger Federer’s resurgence in 2017 couldn’t have come at a better time. I kept telling myself: After being written off by everyone, if he could come back and win it at 36, why can’t I?
*****
In July 2017, I enrolled at the ForumIAS academy for GS and Essay mains test series (online mode) and wrote my first test on 26-08-2017. I timed the clock, took the test from my home and wrote all answers at my usual writing speed. In a paper I took 3 hr 42 minutes to finish, I scored 87. The problem was clear as daylight.
I didn’t lose heart but worked to improve. The next test took me 3 hr 20 min; and finally by the end of 4th test, I could finish my papers within 3 hours.
The comments and assessment on my test series papers were incredibly helpful. I worked on their feedback to improve my answer content and presentation. Also, during this time I came across answer booklets of Prajit Nair (AIR-87, CSE 2016) and they were absolute gold. I adapted my writing style based on his answers. Points over paragraphs, simplicity over sophistication. Overtime, I’ve learnt to put dense, quality content in fewer words and tighter sentences.
All through this rigorous exercise, my aim was not to clear the exam with a top rank (it never really occurred to me), but to prove a point to myself that I am not a loser at this exam. The battle was intensely personal.
And so I practised and practised hard. On workdays I used to take out at least 3 hrs for preparation, and on weekends I slogged by the sweat of my brow.
Just before my Mains exam in Oct 2017, securing a top rank was never on mind. The immediate, burning goal in front of me was only this: in those 3 hours, for those 20 questions, I’ll answer and answer them well.
Which I did. When I walked out of that examination hall on Nov 3, 2017, I knew I gave my best shot.
*****
When the final results were declared on April 27, 2018, the immediate feeling I had was one of overwhelming disbelief. No one expects to top the exam, especially after failing so many times.
It’s only after sometime that the gravity of the accomplishment finally sinks in. And when it did finally sink in for me, I was slowly overtaken by a feeling that was much more precious. The emotion wasn’t one of ecstasy, but one of contentment. It was a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction that I had won this personal battle.
After my results, when I went back to my hometown, I had people who came up to me, pulled me close, cupped my face in their hands and told me that they are so overwhelmed with joy as if their own son has topped this exam. The happiness I sensed seeing their faces is much much more than what I had felt on the day of my results. And in that moment I told myself this: all the effort, all the pain and all the suffering was well worth it.
Today, at the end of my UPSC journey, I stand with a firm newfound belief: when you own your failures, you become a better person. And when you work hard to overcome them, you win. And win big.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
Hey Anudeep its really inspirational for me … i was remember dat day when i saw u first tym while u r giving MOCK in HSC in Feb 2018. I just thought u will Top the exam and mam also appreciated u..finally u topped the exam…but i could not make it in final list.
Tough luck on not making it this time. Stay positive and work harder, it’s only a matter of time before you make it.
Best wishes!
Ur really great, aapke pass sabko reply karne ke liye time Hai, tq and once again congratulations to u and to Ur family. I think u will do something towards betterment of society.
what an inspirational journey sir. Many many congratulations.
Thank you!
Amazed by the fire inside you. Many good things from the write-up to takeaway for many of us!
Congratulations! All the very best for your future endeavours 🙂
Thank you for your kind words.
Inspring bro…journey begins now….may you acheive greater heights and contribute towards society….you made interesting point about primary education system in one of ur interviews…..very valid…focus on it bro…good luck…..
Thank you for your wishes.
What a inspiring message.
Thank you!
Very inspiring. Heartiest Congratulations.
Thank you!
Congratulations Mr. Durishetty. Your blog posts are really helpful. It’d be great if you can write something about preparing alongside a job. You too were working when you gave your final attempt. So, working professionals like me would really appreciciate if you can tell us about your experience.
Thank you for the wishes.
Before I write a detailed post on that, my brief thoughts on the subject:
1. Many aspirants preparing with job already have an inferior complex that since they can’t put in 12 hrs a day, somehow their preparation is substandard. Erase such mindset. So I accepted that I was working and that I couldn’t change it, so instead of complaining I took it up as challenge and always strove to do my best in the limited time I got. Mindset is crucial.
2. Have a dedicated plan ready for weeks and months ahead. See the syllabus and divide it into topics. Now based on the time you can put in per week: with job, I assume you can dedicate a total of 15 hours on 5 weekdays + total of 20-24 hrs on weekend. Make a chart of how many topics you can finish by this week, by this month etc. And always stick to these plans. It’s these small targets that will ensure that you finish the syllabus on time.
3. While on the go, use Mobile to read or listen to current affairs.
Thank you for your tips.☺️
That was inspiring
Thank you.
please provide strategy and booklist for Anthropology, sir 🙂
Will do.
Wow Seriously you have gone through a battle ,Your Hard work gave you Such a unexpected results Sir .Congratulations sir ?.Need your guidance to clear these exams.
Please keep tabs on the blog. More posts on exam strategy and preparation will follow.
Truly inspiring. Congratulations Anudeep. Thanks for posting your experiences.
Thank you.
Truly inspiring sir.. Amazed at your courage and determination.. I need a word of advice from you. As I guess you would’ve gone through this year’s prelims paper, what you will suggest for the aspirants to tackle any kind of paper subjective or conceptual..
I had a glance at it and found it tough.
But you must keep in mind that CSE exam is relative, so you only need to score better than others. Even in such a tough paper, if your fundamentals are right you can get a score of 100-105, which I think is enough to clear it.
Congrats sir ? your blog is acting as a dopamine ?
Hope there’s no over dosage 😀
Point to be noted sir ??
Hey Anudeep, Congrats for your grand success. I wish all the best for your future endeavors.
Need your guidance on 2 points:-
1. Was your language in mains paper was more simpler/same/sophisticated as compared to this blog. Here, I specifically meant from language is, the selection of words.
2. Second, you mention about that you downloaded toppers’ answer booklets. Are the booklets freely available on internet or need paid subscription of any coaching institute?
1. My language in Mains was much simpler. Here I have the luxury of time to refine my choice of words and sentences which is impossible in Mains.
2. You can find them at http://visionias.in/resources/toppers_answers.php
last lines were awesome….tq sir
Wow Sir Wht A Inspiring Journey u have..Last Lines tells Everything.. Ya No matter how u fail or how much..But Fail Better.
That’s the spirit.
Congratulations sir on your momentous achievement! It’s the day when you’ve had everything to do and you’ve done it! Nice work! Everything is possible when you just believe in yourself.
When you do something best in life, you don’t really want to give that up – and for the GOAT it’s tennis, for you it’s IAS.
Sir I’m an abecedarian taking the exam for the first time.
I’ve no clue about how to prepare for the exam.
So far I’ve heard that going to Delhi is one of the best way to get proper guidance and prepare precisely, but I’m wondering if you might go about it in a different way. I’d love your valuable input.
Thanks in advance.
I wrote a detailed post on coaching and whether it’s necessary to go to Delhi for it. Please go through. I am sure your queries will get adequately answered.
Sir,
looking forward to your anthropology strategy. I know you are not that confident about it, but it would help us get at least some assistance.
Thanks.
I’ve written detailed posts on it. Please find it under ‘Optional’ tab on the website.
Hey Anudeep, after going through your detailed journey to your success the following points striked my mind.
1. A lot of people failed at what you accomplished, simply because they were busy finding problems while you were busy finding solutions.
2. Skills can be imparted, but the will to persist and persevere is inborn… a talent you have been blessed with. Well done.
1. From my experience, where people go wrong is in not accepting that there might be some flaw on their part as well. Far too often, we tend to assign blame on others, which only worsens the problem.
2. I believe even that will to persist can be cultivated– by sustaining that unflinching self-belief even in the face of adversity.
Hearty congratulations Anudeep sir,
I would like to convey you two things ,
On April 27th , the most happiest moment for my mother was that you had topped the Civil Services. I can still remember the excitement in her voice when she had called me at an unusual hour to inform about your achievement. She was so happy as if I had achieved the feat. And I am sure she might have watched all your interviews in TV.
The other thing is , me, right now targeting for 2019 found your blog posts and interviews very informative. You write in such a lucid way that the reader senses it as dribbling of honey.
Being a Fedex fan like you , I used to wait for Nirmal Sekhar Ji’s article in Hindu after every grandslam win of RF. With such eagerness, I am waiting for your further posts related to mains and optional.
Kindly, if possible please try to upload your evaluated answer scripts Sir.
Thank you Ramani for your kind words. It makes me happy to hear about your mother’s elation on my success. Please convey my sincere gratitude to her. 🙂
More posts on GS for Mains (especially answer writing) are in the works. Along with the article, I also plan to embed my answer booklets. Hope you find them useful.
PS: Nice to know that you are a Fedex fan too. Here’s wishing for his 21st title at Wimbledon this year. Cheers!
I had conveyed it to my mother Sir , she was surprised at first and later felt very glad about it. ?
Thank you so much sir for your time , motivation and guidance that you are providing for the aspirants like me.
Wishing for a Federer vs Nadal finale and 21st title for our GOAT ( revenge for his 2008 defeat).
thanku so much sir
Thanks and best wishes.
Hi sir..
Literature (Telugu) ki Ela prepare kavali sir…
Need your help sir… became Nenu self preparation cheyalanukuntunna….
Thank you sir 🙂
Many Congratulations to you, Sir! After 2017 debacle, I am going through these phases. With Mains in a few months, I still can’t figure out the low scores in Essay(107) and GS1(89). I always got good marks in Vision Essay and was happy with mains too. GS1 was the only paper I could complete and tackled the googlies too- Juno, Malay etc. In the end a paltry score has left me dumbstruck.
I am working on the strategy you have suggested for Essay but hoping for any insights for GS1 paper ?
Thank you.
Blog posts on GS will be uploaded soon.
U must be feeling top of the world and should be. Happy for you buddy I am preparing for 2019 one and gave 2018, it went all over me, first of all did not prepare at all, but preparing for 2019, and not taking coaching. Too much tension already.
Tension because you know that your preparation isn’t up to the mark. Do your bit, with cent percent dedication. All this anxiety will wither away.
INCREDIBLE …journey SIR. Thank you so much ?.
Incredible journey sir… Really motivating bounce back .
.Inspired me a lot
Dear Anudeep,
Being the UPSC topper means being a guiding light in preparation and inspiration for all aspirants. You come across as a very humble, honest and knowledgeable person. This is very reassuring to us as aspirants that even toppers go through various issues but if you keep going success is assured. Thanks a lot for your write-up. Its very very helpful. Also to whoever I have talked to is all praises about your personality and there is clearly lot to learn from you.
Thanks again.
That’s very kind of you, Nishigandha. Thanks! 🙂
Sir, can you suggest me how to prepare for literature(Telugu)
You are gem of a person. Such a personality in a successful person is rare to find. Thank u so much for sharing wisdom and helping many of us. ??
Thank you!
Sir pls provide mains booklist and ur approach towards mains papers.
Sir
how many hours do you spend for learning?
how do you revise either weekly or daily?
Number of hours don’t matter as much as what you really learn in those hours. Quality trumps quantity, always.
yeah its true
Truly inspirational!!?
hai sir,
congratz .iam preparing for 2019 civils, my optional is antropology, i am working profesional like you
i required the resoucres and book list you have followed in preparing civils,
thanks in advance.