The best things in life don’t come easy.
Sometime in February 2016, UPSC declared that I had failed in the Civil Services Examination. That was my fourth attempt and third failure. The result didn’t seem as bad then, convinced as I was of my own supreme ability and UPSC’s blatant bias. My inner voice immediately went about searching for excuses. “I must have flunked the language paper. Or some clerical mistake? Surely I must have been wronged!”
I eagerly looked forward to my marksheet, mostly to confirm my own prejudice. When the marksheet finally arrived, the scores read as follows, starting with marks in Essay: 100,74,66,91,68,75,91. A grand total of 565, way behind the cutoff. If there were an individual cut off for each paper, I would have probably failed in all of them.
Thus at the end of four gruelling attempts and five years of toil, there I was. I get my worst result in the year I had worked the most. In that moment, the marks didn’t seem so bad— I knew I had failed that year anyway. What difference does a marksheet make?
But like a potent poison slowly making its way to my head, it was only in the hours and days later, I could truly grasp the scale of my defeat. I didn’t just miss the cut, I was nowhere near the competition. My failure was undeniable and total, and it shook me to the core.
Most of us begin our Civils preparation treating it only as an exam. But slowly and surely, as we face hurdles and endure suffering, the exam takes center stage and getting through it becomes our only objective. So when we are defeated in this exam, we almost feel defeated at life. And so it was with me.
The failure crept inward into other aspects of my being. It eroded my drive, confidence and morale. Both professionally and personally, I turned indifferent and underconfident. My day to day life became lethargic, timid and was one of mere existence— I was a walking dead man. And within no time, I unconsciously fell into the most crushing of traps: I was convinced that I am not good enough.
This is the sinking feeling every failed aspirant goes through. No one comes into the preparation thinking of giving this exam twice. That is why for many of us, the first failure comes across as shocking, the second humbling and the third absolutely devastating. I was indeed devastated.
At that point in 2016, for me to give another attempt was to risk another failure, and I couldn’t afford it. I wanted to save whatever little confidence that was left in me. I simply didn’t have the courage to carry on, and I knew I had hit a dead end. Within days, I decided to quit. I packed my papers, bundled my books, cleaned my shelves and dumped them in an obscure corner just so that I don’t even accidentally catch the sight of them— for they represented symbols of my inadequacy and collapse.
From that abyss, it took me a couple of months to recover. I realised that life was slowly drifting away, and I didn’t want to standby as a mere spectator. I focussed on work, learnt taxation laws, pursued my interests diligently and took up meditation as a hobby. In meditation, you train your mind to see things clearly. And I did begin to see things clearly.
I realised that I was so absorbed in this relentless exam cycle that I didn’t recognise my own hubris. For all my failures, I kept blaming UPSC, the examiner, my optional, my pen, the clerk entering the marks on the system— everything and everyone apart from me.
Blaming UPSC or someone else only gave me a false sense of satisfaction, made me feel good about myself, but did not in anyway help my cause. So instead of wallowing in self-pity and victimhood, I decided to own up to my failures and accepted that I failed because I didn’t deserve. Once I had accepted this, the inner voice that was so adamantly justifying my failings simply faded away.
The break helped me see that my failure was not that I couldn’t clear in previous attempts, but that I had learnt nothing from it. Year after year I kept repeating the same mistakes. I toiled hard, but hardly made any progress: I was running on a ground that was fast shifting beneath me.
*****
In December 2016, eight months after my debacle, I sat down to think hard and think deep to understand why I failed. It was not an exercise to avenge my defeat, I just wanted to know why.
Prelims couldn’t have been a problem— I always got a good score. Personality test was ruled out too: in the only interview I had given, I got 204. The conclusion was inevitable— I sucked at Mains. It stood like an impenetrable wall against which I had been hitting my head all these years. So I drilled deeper to diagnose my problem.
I downloaded toppers’ answer booklets and invested endless hours going through them. After a while, one thing became evident: Their answers weren’t in any way extraordinary (If you see my answers now, you’d realise the same). I zeroed in on the fact that it wasn’t because of lack of knowledge, and that my failings lay elsewhere.
My optional scores were a big problem too. I’ve always felt my optional Public Administration was treated unfairly. But this time I faulted no one, and I had to do something about it.
In Jan 2017, I decided to take up Anthropology. It was a bold decision: I hardly had 9 months to prepare an entirely new subject. On the other hand, I loved Anthro and it ignited my spirits and breathed intellectual fire into my otherwise dull preparation cycle.
Against that thick, impenetrable wall in front of me, now I had a small chisel. The challenge was daunting, but I kept reminding myself a quote from the film Shawshank Redemption: “Time and pressure. That’s all it really takes.”
I’ve always believed that Sports represent a microcosm of our lives and I’ve taken inspiration from many athletes. Roger Federer’s resurgence in 2017 couldn’t have come at a better time. I kept telling myself: After being written off by everyone, if he could come back and win it at 36, why can’t I?
*****
In July 2017, I enrolled at the ForumIAS academy for GS and Essay mains test series (online mode) and wrote my first test on 26-08-2017. I timed the clock, took the test from my home and wrote all answers at my usual writing speed. In a paper I took 3 hr 42 minutes to finish, I scored 87. The problem was clear as daylight.
I didn’t lose heart but worked to improve. The next test took me 3 hr 20 min; and finally by the end of 4th test, I could finish my papers within 3 hours.
The comments and assessment on my test series papers were incredibly helpful. I worked on their feedback to improve my answer content and presentation. Also, during this time I came across answer booklets of Prajit Nair (AIR-87, CSE 2016) and they were absolute gold. I adapted my writing style based on his answers. Points over paragraphs, simplicity over sophistication. Overtime, I’ve learnt to put dense, quality content in fewer words and tighter sentences.
All through this rigorous exercise, my aim was not to clear the exam with a top rank (it never really occurred to me), but to prove a point to myself that I am not a loser at this exam. The battle was intensely personal.
And so I practised and practised hard. On workdays I used to take out at least 3 hrs for preparation, and on weekends I slogged by the sweat of my brow.
Just before my Mains exam in Oct 2017, securing a top rank was never on mind. The immediate, burning goal in front of me was only this: in those 3 hours, for those 20 questions, I’ll answer and answer them well.
Which I did. When I walked out of that examination hall on Nov 3, 2017, I knew I gave my best shot.
*****
When the final results were declared on April 27, 2018, the immediate feeling I had was one of overwhelming disbelief. No one expects to top the exam, especially after failing so many times.
It’s only after sometime that the gravity of the accomplishment finally sinks in. And when it did finally sink in for me, I was slowly overtaken by a feeling that was much more precious. The emotion wasn’t one of ecstasy, but one of contentment. It was a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction that I had won this personal battle.
After my results, when I went back to my hometown, I had people who came up to me, pulled me close, cupped my face in their hands and told me that they are so overwhelmed with joy as if their own son has topped this exam. The happiness I sensed seeing their faces is much much more than what I had felt on the day of my results. And in that moment I told myself this: all the effort, all the pain and all the suffering was well worth it.
Today, at the end of my UPSC journey, I stand with a firm newfound belief: when you own your failures, you become a better person. And when you work hard to overcome them, you win. And win big.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
Hi Sir
Congrats and Thanks for sharing ur motivating journey.
Plz guide on answer writing strategy specially how to begin with it- from writing summary of an newspaper article or joining test series directly or begin with focussing paperwise/subject wise or any other way.
What should be the stages of mastering it from nowhere?
There are many good tips avaible on how to increase marks by structuring answers, use of flow charts,etc but I have no clue from where to start with.
Plz guide on above query…
Thanks for considering
See: https://anudeepdurishetty.in/how-to-conquer-gs-in-upsc-mains-explained/
Thanks a lot. Wish you good luck for all your future goals..☺️?
Hello Sir,
Thank you for all your articles. Truly inspiring and extremely helpful.
Can you please suggest any books on mindfulness for beginners?
Also, apart from Sapiens which are the other non-fiction/thought provoking books you would like to suggest for an aspirant?
Thank you again! 🙂
Mindfulness – Joseph Goldstein
Why Buddhism is True – Robert Wright
You can also start with guided meditation: http://marc.ucla.edu/mindful-meditations
‘Head space’ is another great app for beginners
Non-fiction books:
Sapiens
Homo Deus
Animal Farm
Why Nations Fail
Selfish Gene
Mindset
Deep Thinking
Thanks for suggesting Sapiens in one of your videos. Just started with it and its really interesting one.Thank You Sir for this list 🙂
Great…… Hardwork never goes waste…..
Hello sir!
Heartiest congratulations to you for the blessed success!
Sir I’ve just begun my preparation for upsc. I feel pretty lost! Because I don’t know how to study and from where to begin! I aim to sit for the prelims in 2019! And I seem to be running short on time!
Sir if you could kindly suggest me how to begin my preparation! And what could be the best strategy, timely efficient for me as of now!
It would be of great help sir!
Thank you.
Everything happens for a reason sir…..and you made this reason to remembrance not only for you but also for many…UPSC chronology of toppers will list you in its golden wall as long as UPSC in indian constitution exist and beyond that system of evolution of homo sapiens sapiens and its culture and activities of its important personalities will never forget you sir…
Heartiest congratulation ,
With personal warm regards
PRABHATA-A micro-scopic part HOMO SAPIENS SAPIENS Group.
Thank you my fellow Sapien. My best wishes 🙂
Journey from “D battle was intensely personal “, to a guide who inspires all other aspirants, to a hope for public, inspired me a lot. Thank u sir for dis post.
Thank you for this blog sir. It is inspiring, useful and a delight to read . You truly stand out being so grounded even after the success. There is no way you could not have been successful with that fine balance of humility and confidence. All the best for future.
Thank you for the kind words, Maninderjit.
Thank you sir I don’t have any inspiration till 29 years of age to go through UPSC but now somewhere I found a motivation to crack it. Although I have only 2 attempts I will try my best to satisfy my desire and got success. I am a working person and married also so please suggest some strategy and motivation also.
Sir, thank you very much for sharing your journey which was not only hard but uncertain indeed. But now seeing those books and papers must be filling your heart with a containment, reminding you the amount of sweat and ink you have vested striving for excellence. Its really inspiring to hear your story. I am an UPSC aspirant …left job after working 5 years in private sector and now preparing for the exam.
Thank you Ankit. My best wishes for your exam.
Have the belief and keep fighting!
Hi sir,
Firstly I wish you hearty congratulations sir. Sir can you suggest me how to prepare for language (Telugu).
Practising last five year papers and referring to a Telugu daily should be enough.
Congratulations sir
Hi
Hi sir. this is vijay kumar from Jagtial karim nagr. I am preparing for civils from last 2 years, but i couldnt clear prelims 18. Some times i am losing my confidence and i feel i am zero..could u mind please help me in to tackle this situation..
This exam is not a good parameter to gauge your capability. So don’t lose the faith. You abilities are way better than what this exam suggests.
Work on your mistakes, take a test series, practise enough questions. Focus should be on improvement, not on your future success or past failure.
Sir,
I felt as if it’s my duty to congratulate you and thank you for these words of yours. Every time I feel down and have to look for inspiration, these are the words I head back to.
The 3 things that you shared at Vision IAS platform in Hyderabad are like a lesson for life.
Thank you so much for showing the way.
Great to hear that G P. All the very best to you.
Can you please give me idea on how to be in word limit, bcz when I write answers, I goes in flow thinking everything is important for this question, and at end I found it not possible to put all words in given word limit and later realised that I hadn’t write what was actually required in the question.
I always found time limit a better indicator to tell you when to stop. For a Mains paper, you need to finish at least 80 marks worth questions per hour. So in the first hour you need to finish eight 10-markers, which translates to two 10-marker questions every 15 minutes. So write only to that extent that you catch up this demand every 15 minutes.
Once you have that overarching target, it’s not possible to keep overshooting word limit. You will helplessly move onto the next question as soon as you exhaust the time limit set for a particular question.
Sir, can you please tell me, how to utilize time effectively, I’m asking this bcz, I will Appear for cse in 2020 due to dob issue, since I have good time left, so can you please suggest some measure that I should follow, that will help me or to get through it in one go,i have done a basic reading of ncert, and taking classes in Vajiram, any thing which will improve my efficiency and time management,, newspaper reading. Etc. . What would you do, if you are at my stage, provided you have gained all those your journey experiences, the mistakes that you shouldn’t have done, I have seen you interview, but ans for me, thank you sir,
Simply amazing. The hardships u have gone through??
HI My self Kamal Pant,
Anudeep bhaiya !! congratulation
Now you are real Roger federer of me who always fight with own battle,actually,My UPSC journey bit late but not end,I have completed 29 years of my life journey on 1-23 years–study till PG,23-29 years—job in service tourism sector,At present I am in Africa & thinks for the UPSC Battle after reading your blog,How to starts my journey,need in one answer from you.
My Plan first–
Study UPSC website & all pillars of CSE (prelim syllabus & Mains)
Dear Anudeep,
Your journey has become a guiding light and path to fight the failures. Couldn’t be more thankful for helping me out to face the defeat and yet to fight to overcome the failures and move ahead. Thank
you for bringing back the hope.
That’s the spirit, Anon. Fight on!
Hey,
Awe Inspiring indeed and Hats Offs to the realisation process you have gone through. I have only two fundamental questions one regarding you and another for Prep:
1. What worked when you clear UPSC and got IRS?
2. How do you relate any current affairs topic to the Main Syllabus (which is too general) as the Current affairs topic is very much specific.
Do help pls.
Sir congratulation for successful journey..sir ur handwriting is awesm..would u pls tell me which pen u use for ans writing practice and in exams also
This brought tears… Helpful for me..!! I learnt humbleness from you..! I always tell your story to my friends and family. Plz keep sharing your precious views.?huge respect?
Hi Sir, iam a big fan of urs….. iam Btech Food Science and technology graduate and currently working in a company. I want to become IAS officer, can u please suggest me about optional subject ??
Thanks and Regards,
Moulya
Sir, will you please write more inspirational stories
Every time I read this give me goosebumps..
You are an inspiration to all the CSE aspirant
There is no other substitute than hard work
Thank u sir for inspiring me ?
Pls post your strategies during working hours.
Glad to know that and thank you for reading. I’d written about time management on work days in one of the comments. Please find.
Thank you so much sir for sharing this journey..
My heartly Congratulations sir,now i started self preparation for civil services exam 2019.Is 8 months time suffient to complete the syllabus of prelims?
Iam also preparing for the competative exams like polytechnique lecturer of AP state government.
Is it good to prepare both exams at a time or focus on one exam? Please give your valuable information sir.
Hey Anudeep,
Let me start by congratulating you and your family on this tremendous feat. I can only wonder how immensely proud your parents must be.
Secondly, I was in a bad place motivationally and happened to have chanced upon your blog. But what a positive chance it was. Your post resonated with me. That line “I failed because I didn’t deserve”, I needed to hear that. I haven’t been the most hard working person and most of my life I have been able to get away with it. But once I started failing these papers, rather than accepting my faults, I just sat there blaming everyone from the establishment to the papers. But that line made me accept that I am failing because I haven’t given my best yet. Hell I haven’t even truly given my 50% in over an year. Your post has made me reassess both my attitude and my preparation and pin point the problems. Now I am determined to find a solution, a way out, a chisel, if you will. I am going to work hard. For once in my life I want to take a paper where I can come out and tell myself, “You did the best you could.”
Thank you for this honest piece. They are so hard to come by. It is uplifting to read how a now successful person used to feel exactly like you currently do, like a failure. It gives you hope. That, if done right, there’s always an out. And like Andy says in Shawshank, Hope is a good thing, maybe even the best of things and no good thing ever dies.
Oh and go Federer!
(And I am sorry for I fear this has become a little too long. I really needed to hear this. Thank you once again and more power to you.)
Thank you, Aditi. I think I can totally relate to your words. Most times, I could get away with minimal effort. It was only with UPSC that I was taught a lesson, the hard way. And as Andy says in the film, hope is the best of things.
Wish you all the success ahead.
Thrilling.
Dear sir,
First of all Sorry for the disturbance. Sir today november 24 is my special day.Because from my two years when my graduation completed my parents requested to write UPSC but i rejected and i simply made explanation software job is my profession.But now on november 22 when i read your blog and i saw all of your interviews every video and every article in your blog,instagram, youtube, twitter.i decided to write UPSC.and i informed this to my parents.My mother was silence and she asked reason.i said just for change but did n’ t said you are reason to my change.Now my parents are very happy.i started preparing from november 24 2018.i searching for the text books you have suggested in your blog also My father suggested me some books.i think you are the IAS brand ambassador to our state.
Thanking you,
Regards,
Vaishnavi
I’m glad to know that. All the very best, Vaishnavi.