The best things in life don’t come easy.
Sometime in February 2016, UPSC declared that I had failed in the Civil Services Examination. That was my fourth attempt and third failure. The result didn’t seem as bad then, convinced as I was of my own supreme ability and UPSC’s blatant bias. My inner voice immediately went about searching for excuses. “I must have flunked the language paper. Or some clerical mistake? Surely I must have been wronged!”
I eagerly looked forward to my marksheet, mostly to confirm my own prejudice. When the marksheet finally arrived, the scores read as follows, starting with marks in Essay: 100,74,66,91,68,75,91. A grand total of 565, way behind the cutoff. If there were an individual cut off for each paper, I would have probably failed in all of them.
Thus at the end of four gruelling attempts and five years of toil, there I was. I get my worst result in the year I had worked the most. In that moment, the marks didn’t seem so bad— I knew I had failed that year anyway. What difference does a marksheet make?
But like a potent poison slowly making its way to my head, it was only in the hours and days later, I could truly grasp the scale of my defeat. I didn’t just miss the cut, I was nowhere near the competition. My failure was undeniable and total, and it shook me to the core.
Most of us begin our Civils preparation treating it only as an exam. But slowly and surely, as we face hurdles and endure suffering, the exam takes center stage and getting through it becomes our only objective. So when we are defeated in this exam, we almost feel defeated at life. And so it was with me.
The failure crept inward into other aspects of my being. It eroded my drive, confidence and morale. Both professionally and personally, I turned indifferent and underconfident. My day to day life became lethargic, timid and was one of mere existence— I was a walking dead man. And within no time, I unconsciously fell into the most crushing of traps: I was convinced that I am not good enough.
This is the sinking feeling every failed aspirant goes through. No one comes into the preparation thinking of giving this exam twice. That is why for many of us, the first failure comes across as shocking, the second humbling and the third absolutely devastating. I was indeed devastated.
At that point in 2016, for me to give another attempt was to risk another failure, and I couldn’t afford it. I wanted to save whatever little confidence that was left in me. I simply didn’t have the courage to carry on, and I knew I had hit a dead end. Within days, I decided to quit. I packed my papers, bundled my books, cleaned my shelves and dumped them in an obscure corner just so that I don’t even accidentally catch the sight of them— for they represented symbols of my inadequacy and collapse.
From that abyss, it took me a couple of months to recover. I realised that life was slowly drifting away, and I didn’t want to standby as a mere spectator. I focussed on work, learnt taxation laws, pursued my interests diligently and took up meditation as a hobby. In meditation, you train your mind to see things clearly. And I did begin to see things clearly.
I realised that I was so absorbed in this relentless exam cycle that I didn’t recognise my own hubris. For all my failures, I kept blaming UPSC, the examiner, my optional, my pen, the clerk entering the marks on the system— everything and everyone apart from me.
Blaming UPSC or someone else only gave me a false sense of satisfaction, made me feel good about myself, but did not in anyway help my cause. So instead of wallowing in self-pity and victimhood, I decided to own up to my failures and accepted that I failed because I didn’t deserve. Once I had accepted this, the inner voice that was so adamantly justifying my failings simply faded away.
The break helped me see that my failure was not that I couldn’t clear in previous attempts, but that I had learnt nothing from it. Year after year I kept repeating the same mistakes. I toiled hard, but hardly made any progress: I was running on a ground that was fast shifting beneath me.
*****
In December 2016, eight months after my debacle, I sat down to think hard and think deep to understand why I failed. It was not an exercise to avenge my defeat, I just wanted to know why.
Prelims couldn’t have been a problem— I always got a good score. Personality test was ruled out too: in the only interview I had given, I got 204. The conclusion was inevitable— I sucked at Mains. It stood like an impenetrable wall against which I had been hitting my head all these years. So I drilled deeper to diagnose my problem.
I downloaded toppers’ answer booklets and invested endless hours going through them. After a while, one thing became evident: Their answers weren’t in any way extraordinary (If you see my answers now, you’d realise the same). I zeroed in on the fact that it wasn’t because of lack of knowledge, and that my failings lay elsewhere.
My optional scores were a big problem too. I’ve always felt my optional Public Administration was treated unfairly. But this time I faulted no one, and I had to do something about it.
In Jan 2017, I decided to take up Anthropology. It was a bold decision: I hardly had 9 months to prepare an entirely new subject. On the other hand, I loved Anthro and it ignited my spirits and breathed intellectual fire into my otherwise dull preparation cycle.
Against that thick, impenetrable wall in front of me, now I had a small chisel. The challenge was daunting, but I kept reminding myself a quote from the film Shawshank Redemption: “Time and pressure. That’s all it really takes.”
I’ve always believed that Sports represent a microcosm of our lives and I’ve taken inspiration from many athletes. Roger Federer’s resurgence in 2017 couldn’t have come at a better time. I kept telling myself: After being written off by everyone, if he could come back and win it at 36, why can’t I?
*****
In July 2017, I enrolled at the ForumIAS academy for GS and Essay mains test series (online mode) and wrote my first test on 26-08-2017. I timed the clock, took the test from my home and wrote all answers at my usual writing speed. In a paper I took 3 hr 42 minutes to finish, I scored 87. The problem was clear as daylight.
I didn’t lose heart but worked to improve. The next test took me 3 hr 20 min; and finally by the end of 4th test, I could finish my papers within 3 hours.
The comments and assessment on my test series papers were incredibly helpful. I worked on their feedback to improve my answer content and presentation. Also, during this time I came across answer booklets of Prajit Nair (AIR-87, CSE 2016) and they were absolute gold. I adapted my writing style based on his answers. Points over paragraphs, simplicity over sophistication. Overtime, I’ve learnt to put dense, quality content in fewer words and tighter sentences.
All through this rigorous exercise, my aim was not to clear the exam with a top rank (it never really occurred to me), but to prove a point to myself that I am not a loser at this exam. The battle was intensely personal.
And so I practised and practised hard. On workdays I used to take out at least 3 hrs for preparation, and on weekends I slogged by the sweat of my brow.
Just before my Mains exam in Oct 2017, securing a top rank was never on mind. The immediate, burning goal in front of me was only this: in those 3 hours, for those 20 questions, I’ll answer and answer them well.
Which I did. When I walked out of that examination hall on Nov 3, 2017, I knew I gave my best shot.
*****
When the final results were declared on April 27, 2018, the immediate feeling I had was one of overwhelming disbelief. No one expects to top the exam, especially after failing so many times.
It’s only after sometime that the gravity of the accomplishment finally sinks in. And when it did finally sink in for me, I was slowly overtaken by a feeling that was much more precious. The emotion wasn’t one of ecstasy, but one of contentment. It was a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction that I had won this personal battle.
After my results, when I went back to my hometown, I had people who came up to me, pulled me close, cupped my face in their hands and told me that they are so overwhelmed with joy as if their own son has topped this exam. The happiness I sensed seeing their faces is much much more than what I had felt on the day of my results. And in that moment I told myself this: all the effort, all the pain and all the suffering was well worth it.
Today, at the end of my UPSC journey, I stand with a firm newfound belief: when you own your failures, you become a better person. And when you work hard to overcome them, you win. And win big.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
I was told that u r posted as assistant collector for Bhadradri ;hope u will do unique things to improve the living standards of the people like creating awareness reagarding education ,health…and make the district at greater heights ….all the best
Congratulations sir for achiving this mile stone, sir i want suggestion from you. That i want to start my upsc preparation from where to start i dont no can you help me and other thing is i am not able to manage my time table sir please suggest me sir.
I cried reading this… I felt like… I won the battle with you… Thank you sir..
Thank u sir for sharing ur experience
Awesome !?
Motivation is a drug , lasts for few days. Failure inspires till the end of your success . Hats off to u and the patience sir !
Whenever I feel demotivated the only medicine is your blog and your interviews sir…The word thanks is not enough for thanking you….thanks a lot for inspiring,for guiding ,for motivating and for everything… eagerly waiting for your new posts and books…keep motivating…:)
Hi Sir,
I am a working IT professional. Could you please help me out the sources which i can refer for gs online.
Hi sir , actually this year my maths marks were not great I meant to say it was the worst , I was failed in each in every subject I got 80,85,90 above but in this subject only I lost because of which for the rank that I was expecting from 4 years I didn’t came my percentage was there on the board but my name was not there ( I am in class IX and want to become an IAS officer in future ) by reading this I think I am really motivated thank you and please it’s my request keep posting these articles .
Thank you ??
Dear friends
Please Give respect say sir not anudeep k it’s good sense we should respect ias officers.
Regards,
Vaishnavi
Need Guidance
Dear friends i belong from reservation category and my age for 2020 cs attempt will be 35years.
i have attempted 4 times writing all mains and a interview. after that i joined job in IT and continuing, in between i gave attempts but couldn’t clear prelims.
This time im feeling of giving this my final attempt to clear the CS examination. Im shifted to new project hence will be in less job pressure and in between free time to read.
My request is please guide whether its good decision. does age hinder my result.
Is any candidate cleared the exam in 35’s,
does many attempts and age impact in interview.
Sir, please kindly tell us, the mistakes of a serious aspirant who fail their prelims or mains of UPSC CSE.
Sir, how to start meditation..give me some suggestions or book for guidance.
Sir where you take the coaching and how many hours you were reading.
“A Crestfallen man will eventually find his way to the destination”
Thank You Sir for sharing with us about the darkest hours you had been through.
My story is very similar Sir, failed four times at mains! at present even i feel like walking as a dead person and good for nothing! it is only now that I have decided to change my optonal to anthro.
very much inspired by your journey and your true words Sir! Thanks alot Sir for inspiring aspirants like me…. to fight back again against our ownselves! Thanks again Sir! proud to have such civil servants in India. 🙂
Sir,
For a beginner like me, it would be a great source of motivation and a true inspiration.
Thank you sir!
Reading this after having failed to find my name in the Final list.
Helped me process my emotions.
Thank you 🙂
Sir,
Your journey of UPSC is indeed lovely. Really The battle is always intensely personal. I have a doubt though on Paper A and Paper B as per syllabus whether they are core english and regional language. Kindly clarify.
Regards
Sir, with regards to mains answer writing, is it optimal to start taking mocks from the very beginning of preparation just like that of prelims? Or should one wait for a ‘good base’ to start taking mains test series?
Who is still here in 2020 ?
Anudeep Sir and Gaurav Sir instill fire in you by their writings which indeed helps you to complete tomorrow’s target today.
Also they never spared the coaching babus and demystified the need of coaching,which surely helps a rational aspirant to be on a right track.
Have a look at this article of Gaurav Sir’s blog,at a glance,and skip to the message at end.
https://thesupermanreturns.wordpress.com/2014/06/24/oh-poor-coachingwallahs/comment-page-3/#comment-26547
Thank you to both of you.
what a termination Anudeep Garu , this is not only civil service aspirants but also every one can inspire . nothing is easy without hard work and nothing is permanent either bad or good .
Jai hind
Regards
Dhanajay Tanikonda
It’s always refreshing and insightful to read your blog.
Just to let you know, i followed your plan & booklist through help of this blog.
I brought your mains guidance book too.
I find your suggestions very relevant.
But Sir,
Today its just 4 days more to Prelims 2020. And i don’t feel like giving it this time.
Because, i am not that nicely prepared although i am giving regular time for preparation since last 1 year. I never score more then 90 marks in Test series.
And if luckily i get through prelims this year i wouldn’t be able to clear mains though i been a arts student in clge and never scored good marks despite writing mich after studying everything. Therefore i think my writing skills are poor. As you can see m yet to make point in this comment.
So it was my background not confident for prelims and hopeless for mains.
And i live in a village in Himachal. My upsc cse center is in Chandigarh. Coronavirus risk is too much to visit their after traveling overnight. I icing on the cake all govt bus servive are off and private operators are charging more then double. I belong from EWS so money is big constraint for me.
Sir, I feeling like to skip this year’s prelims and buy test series for mains from forum. If i go for prelims it will cost me 6k and m not confident to spend this much when not feeling confident. I feel to use this money in mains test series and give attempt next when i’ll be fully equipped to fight mains. It would be my first attempt, i feel if i know m not gonna make through this, and skip this year therefore never face the failure which might help me keep motivated.
Ufff m writing very ambiguously, sir i just want to know is it right decision to skip prelims when you know you are not equiped to face mains ?
Oops !! I can’t delete this.
Dear Sir, If you read this kindly ignore this, because i made my mind and i am giving the exam this year. ?
Hii sir
I am from Hyderabad and I am mary Manisha
Sir my age is 17 I am preparing for IAS sir can plz help me with some list of books to read and what the basics ti read and findout sir
Sir..I have one question that How to improve English for upsc cse exam.? I’m from hindi medium student and I want to give CSE exam in English…Sir I’m average in English and now I’m in B.A honours 2nd year..and i want to give this exam in 2023..Sir please give guidance..?
Dear sir!
I completed my graduation from fashion design.
but gone through with most of toppers strategy, since last 4months I was thinking/planning to prepare for CSE.
I don’t know any single person from CSE background, and without proper planning or clarity of thoughts I cannot move forward.
because of fashion background, there is no connection with CSE and stuffs.
I have read your blog 6th time… good to read, good to grasp understanding about prep. but I did not know where and how to pick the stuffs related CSE prep. because booklist is there, aircraft is there but there is no one whom I can connect. because everyone from either engineer or either law or different background in grad. everywhere is noise specially related this preparation.
enlighten me! i have 7months total I have one chance.
I know, only you will be my *TROUBLE-SHOOTER*.
sir, waiting for your reply.
-Gratitude
hi sir, I was start my preparation with CrackIAS institute at my college time in 2016 and they have provided me the complete course for my preparation from scratch. I have chosen their Sarthi Program. Before CrackIAS, I have tried forum ias institute as well but they don’t clear my queries.
Now when I read your blog I found that Best institutes are vary by the students understanding. Thanks for sharing your journey.
The most humble and grounded person I’ve ever seen.
Failure really does make you humble.
I could resonate with you in so many ways..
Mere words will not be enough to explain how deeply you have inspired me..
From not being able to think very big due to the past baggage of failures..
Sir, you have not just given me hope for a better future, a future where I feel better about myself, about my failures, my insecurities..
But also, the feeling of happiness, the happiness I felt because you were satisfied, you were content, because you truly deserved to feel that way..
Also, My optional is Anthropology too, I remember it happened because I read the book Sapiens and was absolutely fascinated. Yuval Noah Harrari truly is a great storyteller.
Which reminds me, reading your blogs comes so effortlessly to me, it’s like you’re writing a story… You really are a good storyteller too.
Thankyou very much for your blogs and speeches. They really helped. I am just 20 and aiming to become a civil servant, I hope one day I will achieve my goal as well.
Also, in the end,
“Fail again, Fail better”
That was legendary.
sir nice journey
I have question in my mind that before you are taking your optional subject what is your optional subject and why you have choosen that
thank you sir for your valuable messages and books your releasing .
Dear Sir,
I have a question that are the Vajiram and Ravi’s recitals a good choice to start with the current affairs?.I’m a 19 year old studying in BITS Pilani Hyderabad Campus, aiming to become a civil servant.